2009-02-22 - 10:12 p.m.
The following was what I meant to put down on facebook to tell my friends, but I decided not to... ...
I normally don't do this, the most I would do is to post my true feelings on blog so that only my friends who know my blog know. But this time, I just wanna update those friends whom I have not contacted for a long time know about more about me currently; and yeah, my normal rattle on session. (Not that I always blog, let alone actually write what I truly feel on blog)
Recently, I just feel so emotional, and I just wanna meet up old friends. Problem: No Time! (And yes lousy excuse!) COMPETITION! I really wanna do the best I can, and dedicate my all to the friends (u know who u r) who always stood by me and to the glory of God. The Lord will give me strength. Then comes the issue of work, it's all the same... ... Work... ... WATEVA! Those who know me long enough will know that I always wallow in self-pity in work. Irratating people... ... Yeah, that's pissing, but again, my close friends know that I'm a complain queen.
I just feel like I dunno myself anymore. I dun have time to actually sit down to think and such. I felt something lacking in me. And it has been disturbing me for while. Truth be told, it's been a long time it has been disturbing me. While doing my lit essay, the words just jump at me, degradation bleh bleh... ... despair, imperfection of the world and what not. Amidst all this words, I related it to myself, and I found it. I dunno how to express it until now. Lonely. It's loneliness. Lord help me! I never thought I would feel this way! Most the happiness I felt so far were so superficial! And as I look back on those times that were not superficial, I miss those times! AND THE PEOPLE IN THOSE SWEET MEMORIES! they are far away... ... really far. and they seem to be putting a barrier around me. like withholding infomation, or more like, I'm not important to them anymore. (these does not include those who I've recently talked to) To the guys who used to ask me out(if u really had the intension of wooing me) what were u thinking! ARGH! Do I blame u? Or do I blame myself for allowing myself to be let on to think that u would like me? It' a long time since I felt this bitter! I should just let it go! These troubles are far smaller.
As I grow older, these feelings become more pronounced as I become more aware. It has been a long time since I allowed myself to feel this bitter. And I shouldn't indulge in it.
And yes indeed.
Just because I have realised somethings and a bitter truth.
I have been rushing around so much,
I didn't realise it.
That the hole in my heart is actually loneliness.
Ouch! Painful truth!
Now the problem is how do I let it go!
